Beer Brothers

A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai, the other in Canadaand I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no,"
he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .


" The only thing is
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I just quit drinking!!!

Priest And Whores

So this guy goes to confess his sins in a small town. Father I have slept with a married woman I cant say who it is tho.

Priest> Is it virginia?

dude > no

Priest> is it vanesa?

dude > no

prieast> is it Mary?

Dude > no I dont wanna tell who it is

Priest> Then I cant absolve you of your sins.

Later that day the dude talks to his friend. His friend says "so did you get forgiven". The guy says " no but I found new opportunities to bang a few new whores"

101 Excuses To Avoid A Date

Ever have some odd people ask you out? Never know what to say? Here's some great excuses you can use...

I'd love to, but...

1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 There's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 My patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 The grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 It's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 My subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 The last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 None of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 You know how we psychos are.
78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 My uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 My palm reader advised against it.
95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.

Human Organ's Size that grows

It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.

To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".

Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.

This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.

Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".

The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:

(1) You lack knowledge
(2) you have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!!!!!!(10 times....... ...huh... ...MY GOD!!)

Reward

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping.

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles."

The boy replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."

Pharmacology at it's best

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names: a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin,
and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name
of.......... ..
Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were:
Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin,
Dixafix,
And, of course,
Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp.. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of

'COCKTAILS',
'HIGHBALLS'
and
just a good old-fashioned 'STIFF DRINK'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of:
'MOUNT & DO'

Is Windows A Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug

Official Love Letter

To
Juliet
Grade 7.0 S.M

Sub: Offer of love!

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Saturday).

With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.

However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best!

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,
Romeo (HR Manager)